Hunter Did Nothing Wrong - So Stop Asking About It
Biden Laptop: Anonymous Source, Media, and ex-Intelligence Blame Russia, Vindicate Hunter
Hunter Biden - nothing to see here
The Biden family’s reputation was hanging in the balance as emails allegedly recovered from Hunter Biden’s laptop seemed to implicate them in shady overseas deals when an anonymous source came forward with a bombshell revelation. It turns out that Hunter did nothing wrong and presents zero conflict of interest risk. The laptop drama was in fact a brazen ploy to undermine walking nostalgia machine “Average” Joe Biden by Russia, a mid-size kleptocratic petro-state.
“Yup, it was Russia, no doubt about it”, our unbiased source tells us. “So we can rest easy knowing the Bidens are straight as arrows”.
Other experts were quick to weigh in. Former CIA Director and Washington byword for honesty and intelligence John Brennan assured Americans on state broadcaster MSNBC last night: “This isn’t the first time Russia has assaulted our democracy. In fact, if you step back, a clear pattern emerges of blameless Democrats fighting for the soul of our nation in the face of repeated Russian interference.”
Confirmed perjurer James Clapper agreed with Brennan, and went on to describe how Russia, that big country stretching across the top right of your grade school map, may be far away, but its impact is close to home. “Republicans are stuck in the past; history ended in 1945 for them. They foolishly see Russia as our potential ally against a fascist one-party industrial superpower genociding its religious minorities, like in World War II. But there is no country like that today. And, speaking here on behalf of the entire military-industrial complex, in reality Russia is always one falsely panted laptop away from turning us into the world’s most obese gulag.”
Russian meme used as part of the anti-Clinton 2016 interference campaign
Russia certainly has pedigree when it comes to destabilising disinformation. In the 2016 election they spent an immense $100k on ads on Facebook. These ads mostly attacked Hillary Clinton, whose campaign only spent 280 times more at $28m. An example of this is shown above; it states that Clinton has a disapproval rate of 69% among military. In reality, that figure was 81% (below), which just shows how nefarious the Russian campaign was in terms of spreading false information.
The real information - which Russian memes distorted
But they didn’t just post memes. They also phished for emails. Even John Podesta’s mighty intellect was not enough to prevent him clicking on a crafty false ‘password reset’ (shown below) and handing over a trove of emails to Russia. And Russia’s disinformation campaign ran so deep that they were able to get key DNC personnel to make highly biased anti-Sanders comments in their emails, prompting high profile resignations as well as disgust among Sanders voters (of who 12% went on to vote for Trump) when these emails were then leaked. These cloak and dagger operations are leagues ahead of upstart newcomer China, whose agents’ best efforts consist of trading blow jobs for city government gossip.
Russian interference efforts included sophisticated cyber attacks like this
And it isn’t just Beltway types who see dirty Russian fingerprints on the pristine Biden family hardware. Informed voter Lisa Peterson, from Saratoga, New York, said that she worries about the threat to our democracy. “Russia has been out to get the Democrats, whether it’s Clinton or Biden, since day one. And the Republicans are in on it. They may as well have their conference in Red Square. But some people are too dumb to see it. There should be some sort of test you have to pass to be able to vote. But that would mean having to verify voters’ identity, so on second thoughts, we’d better not.”
Republicans muddy the waters with talking points focusing on issues like the Bidens not denying that a meeting with Ukrainian Pozharskyi took place, cyber experts confirming the emails are genuine, or there being no evidence that the laptop has a Russian connection according to the Director of National Intelligence. It’s true forensic evidence is hard to come by, as the Russians are far too sophisticated to leave any trace of their actions. But we still know, for certain, that this was Russian work because it has all the tell-tale signs. First, it implies the Democratic Party leadership is a corrupt cesspit of personal interests and blatant lies.
Well, that’s the only reason actually. But come on. What’s more likely, that the Democrat elite is compromised and crack-smoking adulterer Hunter Biden’s judgement erred, or that the Russians planted this laptop?
So it’s clear that in this story, Russia and Bond supervillain Putin, along with his network of turncoat Americans, are the villains. But who are the heroes? Permit us, the media, a humble bow. With a little help from our friends in Silicon Valley, we nipped this story in the bud before it could cause too much harm. Democracy Dies in Darkness, but rest easy America, because our haloes shine a bright light. You’re welcome.
But Seriously…
…we’re supposed to just immediately trust the media on this? And not even want to dig a little into whether our incoming president and his family are corrupt? And not have a problem with Twitter / Facebook’s level of influence over the news cycle? And don’t even get me started on the expectation that we believe anything that Brennan, Clapper et al say.
Now, is this satire? The quotes and the tone obviously are. But the overall message is supported by facts, which are heavily linked to above.
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